Paranoia and Parenting
Today we went to the park and everyone was enjoying themselves until the meltdowns began. Someone got hurt and needed an ice pack, the other one couldn't concentrate on the monkey bars because his sister was singing. I mean, really people?! WOW. Anyhow, we eventually left and Kieren was angry so he started kicking my seat and throwing things. He often says "don't make me angry" (sort of like the Hulk) and I try and explain that he is in control of his own body, his responses and actions. He wasn't at a point where he could listen to me though, he was too absorbed in his anger so I immediately pulled the car over. I said "get out of the car and go stand on the sidewalk until you are calm". We sat there for a while and I would ask him occasionally "are you calm?" to which he would emphatically respond "NO". He got in the car and was still super angry so I decided to try out a little "Love and Logic" (super awesome book I am slowly reading through). I told him that he could ride in the car and be calm or he could walk next to the car for a bit while I drive slowly (I was in a safe neighborhood) and he chose to walk. Every block or so I would pull over and wait, when he caught up I would ask "are you ready to get in?" and every time he said no. So we went on for a few blocks until we reached a busy street and I asked him to get in. When he got back in the car he said, "thanks for letting me do that mom, it made me feel responsible of myself". WOW. When we got back to our neighborhood I let him get out again and meet us at the top of the hill.
This experience sparked a conversation about why he can't walk by himself and made me ask myself..."yeah, why is that?" Why is it that we are too paranoid to let our own kids do things that we did when we were kids? He is 8 now and I'm trying to think about what my childhood was like at that age and honestly I don't really remember but what I do remember is that my cousin and I were allowed to walk to the mall by ourselves (about 5 blocks from our house) when we were like 12. It was about that time that Polly Klass was abducted and that happened right in my backyard...so maybe that's why? I don't know, I mean these things happen...sometimes it's family members who turn out to be the monsters. I'm not going to start sending my 8 year old son down to the grocery store to buy milk, but the sense of responsibility and confidence that this one small thing instilled in him definitely made me think and wonder what else I can let him do to inspire more of that. A large part of the Love and Logic principal is giving kids more and more responsibility because if they don't learn now, what kind of adults will they be? Yesterday I had to take a shower and these days it's a little harder with a wee one who get's into everything so I asked Kieren and Zoe to watch out for her while I showered. Let me just say I already know they are great with her and Kieren especially is very attentive and makes sure she isn't putting small things in her mouth and picks her up when she gets hurt or starts crying. I don't do this everyday, most days I wait until Freija is napping but occasionally I trust them with what I consider to be a huge responsibility. I'm trying to recognize that they are becoming more and more independent and if I don't allow this to happen but instead continue to do everything for them and don't let them learn (even if it's the hard way)...I could seriously damage their self esteem and confidence or at least hinder its growth.
I am definitely not the perfect parent. Like a friend was saying the other day, "we are not trained for parenting" we definitely learn as we go through reading, from each other and most often from our own mistakes. On a normal day if Kieren had started acting out in the car, kicking my seat and throwing things I would have yelled "don't you do that in the car!" It took a lot of restraint to be silent and calm and just pull the car over but it was definitely worth it. After all the main thing I'm trying to teach him is how to control his anger. I want him to know that feeling anger is perfectly normal and okay but what matters is how he reacts when he is angry, what he does or doesn't do. If I don't give him a chance to be in control of his actions and body but instead make him sit in "time out" or yell at him and belittle him, how in the world is that getting the message across?
Baby steps...baby steps to being a good parent, baby steps to being a gooood paaaaarent (sorry, I just hear Bob in my head). Anyway, I'm learning...we must have grace with ourselves and with these precious one's we've been entrusted with. We won't always get it right, it will be hard and often feel impossible and that's why it "takes a village". We were not meant to do this alone in our little bubble, we were meant to do it in community. Sometimes that means taking advice and not getting defensive because the other parent has kids that are older and have been in the same stages yours are going through. Sometimes it means watching each other's kids so you can have a moment of sanity or just being together at the park while your kids run wild so you can commiserate and just be with another adult who is in the trenches with you and understands. I am so thankful for this community, whether it is face to face, through text, Facebook or email...it all helps and it all encourages and refreshes my soul.
I have not done every job so I can't really say 100% that parenting is the hardest job, but I'm fairly certain it is. It is physically, emotionally and spiritually demanding and trying but it is also the most life giving, fulfilling and joyous job and not actually a "job" but a gift. That is exactly why I know that God did not mean for us to do it alone but surrounded by our family, friends, authors, mentors (and the list goes on)...
This experience sparked a conversation about why he can't walk by himself and made me ask myself..."yeah, why is that?" Why is it that we are too paranoid to let our own kids do things that we did when we were kids? He is 8 now and I'm trying to think about what my childhood was like at that age and honestly I don't really remember but what I do remember is that my cousin and I were allowed to walk to the mall by ourselves (about 5 blocks from our house) when we were like 12. It was about that time that Polly Klass was abducted and that happened right in my backyard...so maybe that's why? I don't know, I mean these things happen...sometimes it's family members who turn out to be the monsters. I'm not going to start sending my 8 year old son down to the grocery store to buy milk, but the sense of responsibility and confidence that this one small thing instilled in him definitely made me think and wonder what else I can let him do to inspire more of that. A large part of the Love and Logic principal is giving kids more and more responsibility because if they don't learn now, what kind of adults will they be? Yesterday I had to take a shower and these days it's a little harder with a wee one who get's into everything so I asked Kieren and Zoe to watch out for her while I showered. Let me just say I already know they are great with her and Kieren especially is very attentive and makes sure she isn't putting small things in her mouth and picks her up when she gets hurt or starts crying. I don't do this everyday, most days I wait until Freija is napping but occasionally I trust them with what I consider to be a huge responsibility. I'm trying to recognize that they are becoming more and more independent and if I don't allow this to happen but instead continue to do everything for them and don't let them learn (even if it's the hard way)...I could seriously damage their self esteem and confidence or at least hinder its growth.
I am definitely not the perfect parent. Like a friend was saying the other day, "we are not trained for parenting" we definitely learn as we go through reading, from each other and most often from our own mistakes. On a normal day if Kieren had started acting out in the car, kicking my seat and throwing things I would have yelled "don't you do that in the car!" It took a lot of restraint to be silent and calm and just pull the car over but it was definitely worth it. After all the main thing I'm trying to teach him is how to control his anger. I want him to know that feeling anger is perfectly normal and okay but what matters is how he reacts when he is angry, what he does or doesn't do. If I don't give him a chance to be in control of his actions and body but instead make him sit in "time out" or yell at him and belittle him, how in the world is that getting the message across?
Baby steps...baby steps to being a good parent, baby steps to being a gooood paaaaarent (sorry, I just hear Bob in my head). Anyway, I'm learning...we must have grace with ourselves and with these precious one's we've been entrusted with. We won't always get it right, it will be hard and often feel impossible and that's why it "takes a village". We were not meant to do this alone in our little bubble, we were meant to do it in community. Sometimes that means taking advice and not getting defensive because the other parent has kids that are older and have been in the same stages yours are going through. Sometimes it means watching each other's kids so you can have a moment of sanity or just being together at the park while your kids run wild so you can commiserate and just be with another adult who is in the trenches with you and understands. I am so thankful for this community, whether it is face to face, through text, Facebook or email...it all helps and it all encourages and refreshes my soul.
I have not done every job so I can't really say 100% that parenting is the hardest job, but I'm fairly certain it is. It is physically, emotionally and spiritually demanding and trying but it is also the most life giving, fulfilling and joyous job and not actually a "job" but a gift. That is exactly why I know that God did not mean for us to do it alone but surrounded by our family, friends, authors, mentors (and the list goes on)...
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