My Calling

Leave it to a Taylor Swift docuseries to give me an earth-shattering revelation.  If you know me well or have read my blog, you will know about my very long struggle with vocation and what that means for me.  When I was around five, I wanted to "cut hair".  Flash forward to early college, I wanted to do youth ministry which turned into music which turned into I should just graduate already.  I had a string of random jobs to help pay the bills while we started to grow our family.  As I got older, I started to wonder "what am I doing with my life"?  I regretted being in debt for college when I wasn't "using" my degree to make money.  

At one point I thought it might be fun to go to massage school and maybe that's something I could be good at.  Then when we were in Iowa, I realized I had a strong passion for social justice and began a certificate program but only took one class because we had to move pretty suddenly.  Once we got back to Seattle, I was very focused on just doing what had to be done to help provide for the family but after several more jobs, I got depressed.  I started to ask myself; will I ever be in a job that I love?  Will I ever figure out what I'm supposed to be "doing"?

Over the last few weeks, we have been watching the Taylor Swift documentary about her Eras tour because yes, we have a few Swifties in the house (myself included).  One of the last episodes focused on her family.  She talked about the inspiration behind the song Marjorie, her grandmother who was an opera singer.  At one point Taylor's mom talked about what it was like to grow up with Marjorie and then the turn that her life took when her own daughter started to show a desire to perform.  She had gone to school for business but didn't have "the gift" in the way her mom and daughter did.  At 13 when Taylor asked if they could go to Nashville (which was actually when Marjorie died) was when she realized what direction their lives would be going in and what she would need to do.  She described it as her "destiny" to support Taylor on this path.  Of course, this has been brewing in my mind for some time now, but this is when it really hit me, my true "calling" is to be a mother.

When I think back to when I was a high schooler, even then I had a strong desire to have kids.  You could say it was my dream.  I never felt that strongly about a vocational calling.  I never wanted to be a doctor, lawyer, nurse, pastor, singer...I wanted to be a mom.

In that moment, watching Taylor Swifts mom talk about their journey as a family I realized, it doesn't matter what job I'm doing to make money, as long as it allows me to be the best mom I can be to my kids.  Sure, I'm not the "best" mom by any means.  I make mistakes and I have learned a LOT over the almost 18 years I have been a mom, but I do know I'm good at it.  

I helped create life inside my body.  I very painfully and powerfully birthed four children through my body.  I gently guided them through childhood, reluctantly began to let go as they entered their teenage years, and I look forward to standing by their side as they launch into the world.  Of course, we still have one that is a child (7) but our oldest jokes that he just had his "last" Christmas because he will soon be 18.

It would not be possible for me to be a mom without my partner.  He has supported me through all the random jobs that didn't fulfill me and listened to me whine about it.  He was by my side through the pains of pregnancy and childbirth.  He encouraged me when I questioned my purpose, asked questions and had many doubts.  He worked hard in school and work so we could provide for our family.  Most of all, he loves us fiercely and would do anything for us.

I am almost positive these questions will continue to come up for me because life has a way of bringing us over a mountain into a valley.  But I know the ultimate answer in my bones now.  What was I meant to "do" with my life?  This is it.  I'm doing it.

When I get to witness my kids doing what they're good at, I feel the most intense pride, joy and love I have ever felt in my life.  When I see them on stage playing music, making incredible art (and selling it), playing around on the ukulele, trying to help or learning how to read; I am in awe.

I don't need to find fulfillment in my vocation because my greatest fulfillment is found in these amazing humans that I helped make.

I have also realized that though my job might not be connected to these things I have wanted to do over the years, I can still do them.  I can cut my kids hair, although some of them don't want me to anymore.  I can use the gift of massage to bring healing to my husband and kids.  I can teach the value of social justice to my kids and take them to protests.  I have even had the pleasure of using my musical talent to help lead worship with my kids!  I have not lost myself in the process of having kids, I have found myself.  They have helped me become a better human.

Thank you to Taylor Swift and her mom for helping me to fully realize this.  Sometimes truth comes from the most unexpected places.