Anxiety
When I was in college, I believe it was the beginning of my second year, I suffered from anxiety. All throughout adolescence people would always call me "skinny" but it was never because I didn't eat and no matter how much I was teased I never suffered from any kind of eating disorder. Yet when I began to feel extreme anxiety in college, I could hardly eat. I would go on dates and be scared to eat, I would be at home with my friends and had no appetite. At school basically the only thing I could get down was salad and the only time I felt comfortable and relaxed enough to eat was with a very special friend. Talking with her about what I was going through and just being with her was very calming to me and would ease my worries. To this day I honestly don't know what was causing this nearly debilitating fear and worry but thankfully it was only for a season and while I of course have many worries and fears now (I mean I am a mom after all), it has not affected me in the same extreme way.
This past year our son was really struggling in second grade. He was being bullied and I started to get calls from the nurse quite often that he was in her office with a stomach ache or headache. For many reasons we decided to pull him out and home school. I talked with a neighbor about her son who has dyslexia and started researching that, I took a quiz on the Aspergers spectrum, started researching learning styles...and on and on and on. In the past couple days something I have suspected off and on has really become clear, my son suffers from anxiety. Heart. Breaking. We worry about our kids, when we become parents we learn the meaning of worry...but we never want them to be consumed by it. We want them to be kids! We want them to be care free and enjoy their childhoods. I'm not saying he doesn't, he is a boy who knows how to have fun and is extremely creative...but he definitely worries. When we talk about things he is constantly asking "what if this happens, what if..." and he usually assumes the worst. He has a great deal of anxiety around other kids, I'm not sure if this stems from his experiences being bullied (I'm sure it definitely affects it), he is overwhelmed when kids get loud and rambunctious. He is always asking us if we are "okay". I think this has become more and more obvious as we have been under a great deal of stress in Seattle, not able to really afford it and trying to move. Now that we have made the leap of faith to move to MI we do feel better and a bit less stressed, but our living situation is up in the air and as we are concerned about that he is feeling it too.
When I speak to Kieren firmly he will often say "I'm scared" and I never really understood because I was not yelling rather talking in a serious voice because I was upset about something he had done (hit his sister or what have you). I get it now though, "I'm scared" really means "I'm worried". He has this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and it is scary to him.
Of course as a mom I'm trying to figure out what to do about this, how to respond...and it honestly scares the shit out of me. Here is what I do know...I have an incredibly smart boy with a huge heart who cares deeply and that is such a blessing. All I can do is try to remain calm as often as I can, when I do feel worried I will speak openly about it with him (if appropriate) to show him it's healthy to talk about how we're feeling and often talking can make us feel better. I will pray everyday that this is just a season and it will pass soon. I will accept him for the tender boy that he is and love him fiercely. Parenting is so much more complicated than I ever realized and I am daily faced with new and different struggles...I know it doesn't get easier, just different. Thankfully I am not alone in this. I have a wonderful husband and partner to bounce ideas off of and who supports me and encourages me. I have my Mom who prays daily and listens and I have a network of amazing friends near and far who have different opinions and experiences to offer. Most of all though, I have a Heavenly Father who created this beautiful boy and knows him better than I do. He is there for me to lean into, cry out to and trust to guide me through this crazy adventure.
This past year our son was really struggling in second grade. He was being bullied and I started to get calls from the nurse quite often that he was in her office with a stomach ache or headache. For many reasons we decided to pull him out and home school. I talked with a neighbor about her son who has dyslexia and started researching that, I took a quiz on the Aspergers spectrum, started researching learning styles...and on and on and on. In the past couple days something I have suspected off and on has really become clear, my son suffers from anxiety. Heart. Breaking. We worry about our kids, when we become parents we learn the meaning of worry...but we never want them to be consumed by it. We want them to be kids! We want them to be care free and enjoy their childhoods. I'm not saying he doesn't, he is a boy who knows how to have fun and is extremely creative...but he definitely worries. When we talk about things he is constantly asking "what if this happens, what if..." and he usually assumes the worst. He has a great deal of anxiety around other kids, I'm not sure if this stems from his experiences being bullied (I'm sure it definitely affects it), he is overwhelmed when kids get loud and rambunctious. He is always asking us if we are "okay". I think this has become more and more obvious as we have been under a great deal of stress in Seattle, not able to really afford it and trying to move. Now that we have made the leap of faith to move to MI we do feel better and a bit less stressed, but our living situation is up in the air and as we are concerned about that he is feeling it too.
When I speak to Kieren firmly he will often say "I'm scared" and I never really understood because I was not yelling rather talking in a serious voice because I was upset about something he had done (hit his sister or what have you). I get it now though, "I'm scared" really means "I'm worried". He has this overwhelming feeling of anxiety and it is scary to him.
Of course as a mom I'm trying to figure out what to do about this, how to respond...and it honestly scares the shit out of me. Here is what I do know...I have an incredibly smart boy with a huge heart who cares deeply and that is such a blessing. All I can do is try to remain calm as often as I can, when I do feel worried I will speak openly about it with him (if appropriate) to show him it's healthy to talk about how we're feeling and often talking can make us feel better. I will pray everyday that this is just a season and it will pass soon. I will accept him for the tender boy that he is and love him fiercely. Parenting is so much more complicated than I ever realized and I am daily faced with new and different struggles...I know it doesn't get easier, just different. Thankfully I am not alone in this. I have a wonderful husband and partner to bounce ideas off of and who supports me and encourages me. I have my Mom who prays daily and listens and I have a network of amazing friends near and far who have different opinions and experiences to offer. Most of all though, I have a Heavenly Father who created this beautiful boy and knows him better than I do. He is there for me to lean into, cry out to and trust to guide me through this crazy adventure.
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