What is wrong with me? Oh yeah, I'm human.

It is in my nature to be sensitive, caring and compassionate.  I hurt deeply for people.  If someone is hurting, maybe even someone I don't know, I want to cry and often do.  Why is it then that many times throughout my day, I do not feel very much compassion for my kids?  Before you decide to completely hate me, let me clarify a little bit...

I love Kieren and Zoe with all my heart.  They are beautiful, smart, passionate little people that make me proud and amaze me everyday.  They also drive me crazy.  Today I was getting waaaaay too frustrated with Kieren and learning the alphabet.  I felt like, "why doesn't he know this?  He should know this by now!"  I told him he couldn't have any pie until he was willing to listen and learn his ABC's.  After cooling down, I was straightening my hair in the bathroom, staring at my own face and telling myself, "you are a total asshole."  "What is wrong with you?"  "You can't punish him for something that is your fault!"  It hit me, I didn't start teaching him his ABC's early enough.  The fact that he still thinks the first letter is F and E is A is not his fault, but mine.

As loving and sensitive as I am, I think I actually have an anger problem at times.  I yell at my kids when they don't listen.  I feel like I need to have control of the situation.  WRONG.  They are beautiful little people, with their own personalities and when I act that way, I am squashing them.  My behavior is not nurturing the kind of relationship I want to have with them.  When I act that way, they get scared.  They don't want to listen to me, trust me or come to me with their worries and fears.

So tonight it hit me, my problem is I don't have enough compassion for them.  What the hell is wrong with me?  I am human.  I am fucked up.  Sorry...I just feel like it's the only word that fits right now.  Thank God for forgiveness and healing and rebirth.  I need some rebirth right now.  I need to make a choice to change my actions every minute of the day.  I need to choose to breathe and calm down when everything around me feels crazy and out of my control.  Let me tell ya, this is really easy to be typing right now but I know at 7 AM tomorrow morning, I will probably forget.  Hopefully not.

God forgive me and please help me change.

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