Dream

 I had a dream that I was in labor.  I remember thinking, "wait I'm going to have five kids?"...okaaaaay.  There were two midwives there with me and as I felt the pain coming harder I started to have doubts come into my mind.  I can't do this, I don't want to do this.  Then I breathed and told myself, you have to do this, you will do this.  The labor slowed down and stalled and suddenly I was in a room full of people that were dancing and bumping into me.  I said, "Hey!  Watch the belly!"  A man started to grab me and force me out of the room as I yelled "get off me!"

That's all I remember.

I woke up and realized the baby I was trying to birth was myself.  The more I think about it I realize that my dear friend Sami was one of the midwives which makes sense because she is playing a huge part in this feminist journey I'm on.  She recommended that I read Dance of the Dissident Daughter in which the writer tells the story of a dream that she had about giving birth to herself on a beach, alone.  I'm not sure yet who the other midwife in my dream was but I know it will be revealed to me.  I acknowledge that this road I'm on will be long and bumpy and there will be moments I run ahead and times I circle back.  I do find the imagery very interesting and I believe it really connects to the season I'm in right now, feeling very unwelcome in my own church, a place that does not ordain women or believe they should hold office of any kind.  A place in which I know people have talked about me behind my back and believe I'm too "outspoken" on certain issues.  Some think I should "go back to California" and other think I should just talk to my like minded friends about these things instead of post them for everyone to see.  Others have threatened to leave the church.  I feel like an outcast, rejected and not loved.  I feel like they think I'm "too much" or "too controversial" or "too outspoken"...but I don't care anymore.

I am not just figuring out who I am, I am becoming myself.

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