Not as it should be...
Today we got our Jesus Storybook Bible in the mail so I started reading some to the kids. We read about the beginning, creation and the garden. Life as God meant it to be....perfect, no sickness, no tears...only love, perfect love. Sigh...the worlds greatest fairy tale, love story and adventure all rolled into one. This has not been a good week for me. I have been pretty low, feeling depressed, lonely, like a failure at life. Sure that might sound dramatic but it's real. Homeschooling has been hard, fucking hard. Excuse me, but I think it deserves an expletive. It's been rewarding, when I see my boy excelling in reading, but the tough times have begun to outweigh the good times. I've been depressed because I rarely see my husband and when I do it's either a hi/bye when he gets home and I drive in to work or after putting the kids to bed, when we're both tired and drained. Throw on top of that the fact that he's in school and trying to find a new job so we can move out of this crazy expensive city. I have so much to be thankful for it's ridiculous that I'm even complaining, but at the moment I'm just at a low point. I am generally a positive and hopeful person but I definitely have days when I feel like I just can't do anything right.
For example, yesterday was crappy so I thought "hey I should walk the kids down to the park, spend some good time outside in the sun, that will start our day off right and everything will go perfectly smooth!" Well, if there's one thing I've learned as a mom it's that it is all well and good to have the best intentions but don't be surprised it they fail (or appear to fail). We had a nice long walk, spent time by the water in the chilly but beautiful sunny day, hiked up a good hill and made it home for lunch. We ate and then I reminded Kieren that we needed to "start school". I was hit with resistance. This has been the struggle day to day and I've hit a wall. I try to make it fun, make sure it's relaxed, give him enough breaks, time outside, enough snacks, yada yada...but when everyday it turns into a fight I can't help but feel like it's my fault and I just suck, as a mom and a teacher. I am failing.
Well, as I was gently reminded today through God's word (as spoken to a child) is that life is not as it should be. We screw up, we hurt each other, our kids scream at us, we scream at them, we get tired and apathetic and lose hope. Through all this I know that no matter how much I feel that I am failing, I also know I am loved, forgiven and accepted...and isn't that what my kids need to know and hear daily? Isn't that at the root of their acting out, pushing back and resisting? Aren't they ultimately just crying out for love and acceptance, to know that even when they screw up we will still love them and there's no way we could ever love them less? When the first of our friends had a baby, the dad told us that becoming a father gave him more insight into God's love and that continues to be made clear to me each and every day. It's so simple yet for some reason it doesn't sink in until I myself have hit the bottom and been humbled in a painful way. Just one more reminder that life is not as it should be, WE are not as we should be or were meant to be...thankfully His grace and love is ever healing, ever reminding me that although I am not what I was meant to be, I am enough...enough for Him to love, He who is absolutely perfect seeks out little me, who is utterly flawed. He loves and accepts me just as I am, of course He wants me to do better, but He still takes me like I am. He doesn't withhold His love based on the level of my obedience, He welcomes me in with His strong arms like a Father picking up his small bruised and crying daughter...He envelopes me in His mercy and bids me to show this same unconditional love to my own beautiful children.
I might have spent this time rambling but here is what I challenge you to do, if you have mom friends in your life, give them a little bit of encouragement, even if just to say "hey you are doing a great job and I love you". Of course dad's need our encouragement too, I'm just speaking from where I have been personally this week, in need of a little pick me up. We are all falling down in life together, of course we can't fulfill each other in the way He can but at least we can reflect His image a little bit...give a small word of encouragement, a flower, share a cup of tea and just be. If you have been struggling to make it through this week too, know you are loved...you are accepted and you are enough.
For example, yesterday was crappy so I thought "hey I should walk the kids down to the park, spend some good time outside in the sun, that will start our day off right and everything will go perfectly smooth!" Well, if there's one thing I've learned as a mom it's that it is all well and good to have the best intentions but don't be surprised it they fail (or appear to fail). We had a nice long walk, spent time by the water in the chilly but beautiful sunny day, hiked up a good hill and made it home for lunch. We ate and then I reminded Kieren that we needed to "start school". I was hit with resistance. This has been the struggle day to day and I've hit a wall. I try to make it fun, make sure it's relaxed, give him enough breaks, time outside, enough snacks, yada yada...but when everyday it turns into a fight I can't help but feel like it's my fault and I just suck, as a mom and a teacher. I am failing.
Well, as I was gently reminded today through God's word (as spoken to a child) is that life is not as it should be. We screw up, we hurt each other, our kids scream at us, we scream at them, we get tired and apathetic and lose hope. Through all this I know that no matter how much I feel that I am failing, I also know I am loved, forgiven and accepted...and isn't that what my kids need to know and hear daily? Isn't that at the root of their acting out, pushing back and resisting? Aren't they ultimately just crying out for love and acceptance, to know that even when they screw up we will still love them and there's no way we could ever love them less? When the first of our friends had a baby, the dad told us that becoming a father gave him more insight into God's love and that continues to be made clear to me each and every day. It's so simple yet for some reason it doesn't sink in until I myself have hit the bottom and been humbled in a painful way. Just one more reminder that life is not as it should be, WE are not as we should be or were meant to be...thankfully His grace and love is ever healing, ever reminding me that although I am not what I was meant to be, I am enough...enough for Him to love, He who is absolutely perfect seeks out little me, who is utterly flawed. He loves and accepts me just as I am, of course He wants me to do better, but He still takes me like I am. He doesn't withhold His love based on the level of my obedience, He welcomes me in with His strong arms like a Father picking up his small bruised and crying daughter...He envelopes me in His mercy and bids me to show this same unconditional love to my own beautiful children.
I might have spent this time rambling but here is what I challenge you to do, if you have mom friends in your life, give them a little bit of encouragement, even if just to say "hey you are doing a great job and I love you". Of course dad's need our encouragement too, I'm just speaking from where I have been personally this week, in need of a little pick me up. We are all falling down in life together, of course we can't fulfill each other in the way He can but at least we can reflect His image a little bit...give a small word of encouragement, a flower, share a cup of tea and just be. If you have been struggling to make it through this week too, know you are loved...you are accepted and you are enough.
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