Hitting the Bottom

Wikipedia describes drowning,

Drowning itself is quick and silent, although it may be preceded by distress which is more visible.^[3] A person drowning is unable to shout or call for help, or seek attention, as they cannot obtain enough air. The instinctive drowning response is the final set of autonomic reactions in the 20 – 60 seconds before sinking underwater, and to the untrained eye can look similar to calm safe behavior.^[3][4] Lifeguards and other persons trained in rescue learn to recognize drowning people by watching for these movements.^[3]

This definition describes pretty perfectly what I witnessed happening to my husband two nights ago, not literally but emotionally.  The kids were talking to him while he was getting them dessert, he went to our room, closed both doors and climbed under the covers.  I gave him a few minutes because after 10 years of marriage you know when your spouse needs space, you know the signs they they need to be alone.  After a bit I went in to talk to him and he just crumbled into sobs.  "I just can't...I'm done...I have nothing left..." he said.  Of course it breaks my heart to see him like this so I started sobbing too, "please don't...don't be done" I said.  I was scared as hell.  The only other time I had seen him like this was shortly after I got home from having lung surgery.  He had just gotten home from work and the kids were demanding his attention, he was emotionally spent from nearly losing his wife and he just couldn't bear it.  Over the past 5 years we have been going going going non stop without a family vacation, without a break.  He has been working full time then coming home to 3 kids (the third being added 9 months ago) who need to be cared for while I go to work and attempting to get school work done.  He has fallen behind in school recently, been trying to figure out how to move his family across the country (find a job, save money etc) and been very sick until he finally figured out he has a wheat allergy.  

We have been priced out of Seattle and looking into moving to MI for a while now but have lately been having to live off of the money we were saving for the move.  He is under a deadline of sorts in finishing school because his credits from Fuller expire after 10 years, he's in year 8 now so that means he can't slow down and spread it out more because then he would have to take some classes all over again.  All of these things have been piling up and he finally broke under it all.  I immediately started texting and messaging friends, "please pray for Norm he's having a breakdown".  One of our pastors called him and then came over the next day to chat but mostly listen.

Now that he has hit the ocean floor he is kicking up and paddling his feet as hard as he can but mostly hanging onto Jesus for dear life as He carries him back up to the surface.  Every now and then it takes something like this to remind us how much we need to rely on Him and maybe weren't.

I am usually the very emotional one of the two of us so to see him crumble like that really scared me but it also helped me to really see the weight he had been struggling under.  I have had some moments when I felt sad and alone because he is so busy with school and distracted with the kids, let me tell you, kids are attention stealers!  Yes I realize stealers is not actually a word.  Anyway...it hit me that not only was he completely drained from everything on his plate but also feeling horrible that he didn't have anything left for me and the kids.  He felt like he had all these things to do and people to please but not enough time to do it all and even worse like there was nothing he could do to help it.  Finishing his Mdiv has not been an easy task.  He was about to start at Calvin a few years ago and then I had to get lung surgery...he finally did start and then we found out I was pregnant with Freija.  She has brought so much joy into our lives and we would never go back and change a thing, but it definitely threw a wrench in the works.  I was not able to work more so he could work less and focus on school.  So the struggle to balance it all continued...

We have faced so much in our time together so I have no doubt we will get through this as well, with God's help.  I accept the fact that for a little bit I need to have faith for the both of us and that's okay.  Driving to work today a Psalm came to mind...

Psalm 121

1I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? 2My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. 3He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber; 4indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

To me it sounds something like this, "Is anyone going to help me?  Where are you God?  Hello?  Oh right, my help comes from you...thaaaaat's right."  It's so hard for us to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now and to trust that we are headed in the right direction but that's why it's called Faith.  Norm was knocked down by life but he is getting back up, grasping for the hand of God and giving Him control.  That's a hard thing for us humans but we learn...eventually.  Over 10 years ago I promised to stand by this man for better or worse, in sickness and health...this is definitely one of the "worse" times but I am happy to do it because I love him and I believe in the calling God has placed on his life, on our lives.  I write this to share but also to encourage you if you have been there, at rock bottom.  We can only handle so much before we break down.  We need each other but most importantly we need God.

By the way, he gave me permission to write this.  ;)