The year of things I said I would "never" do...
This has been a year when I have encountered difficult circumstances and made choices I had at one point in life said I would "never" make.
Our precious third baby was born on June 15th and at the 3 day home visit she had lost over 10% of her weight, which is not good. My midwife mixed up a bottle of formula and said "here give this to her". With a lump in my throat and tears brimming, I fed my baby formula for the first time ever. The other two kids never had issues with nursing, my milk came in fine and there was enough. Years ago I would have made some ignorant remark such as, "why would you give your baby formula when your body produces the best food there is?" Now I knew why and felt like such a bitch for ever thinking that. When your baby is starving and your body just isn't doing what you think it "should" for whatever reason, you do what you have to do to make sure your child is healthy damn it! I have since been taking various supplements, pumping 3 times a day and eating lactation cookies...but still we have to supplement with a little formula while I'm at work because I just can't keep up. It's heart breaking. I often feel like I'm failing her. Why can't I make enough milk? Well, life is much different than it was 8 years ago when I had Kieren or even 5 years ago when I had Zoe...much different. There is more stress, more busyness, I'm probably not eating the best calorie rich foods I should be, I can't stop what I'm doing to pump every 2 hours after I've already nursed Freija...the list goes on. LIFE IS DIFFERENT and I just need to stop worrying and feeling bad and accept this is what it is and it is OK.
Next on the list is...home schooling. Or as we are calling it "home learning", because for our 2nd grader there is a lot of negativity around the word School. In recent weeks we have in a nutshell become fed up with the public school system where we live. We think he has had excellent teachers over the last two and a half years, but the system is failing him. I won't go into too much detail but just say, we decided that the best decision for him would be to give him the one on one attention he needs and take over his education at home. I used to think there was no way I could do this..."I'm not a teacher" I would say. Him and I often butt heads and we both get frustrated; but when he came home from school a couple weeks ago and said he hadn't eaten his lunch (for the umpteenth time) I said "that's it, this has to change". I work in the evenings right now and never even see him except for the frantic hour in the morning when we're getting ready for school and 5 minutes at pick up before I go in to work. All he really sees of me is crazy yelling mom telling him to put his shoes on and finish breakfast for the 15th time. I don't like that. So because our schedules allow us to do this, we're going to do it and over Christmas break he will transition out of public school and into a much more free, relaxed and peaceful learning environment at home. I'm not saying this is what everyone should do or that it will work well for every kid...only that it's what we believe is best for our kid, in this season. Maybe it will be long term, maybe he will go back to a public or even private school one day....we're going to play it by ear.
Now that we have put it out there with our boss I can also now say that another thing on my list is the possibility of moving to Michigan in the new year. I grew up in California. I lived in Sonoma County, San Jose and Sacramento. Then we transitioned to Seattle and have loved it. We have made some lifelong connections in this place, gone through some major life changes, had two babies here! I have always loved this West coast and I used to say I could "never" move to the mid west. Well...we are getting priced out of Seattle. Norm is going to Seminary long distance and the job opportunities out there and difference in cost of living have brought us to the realization that it's something to consider.
I feel like in all these areas of life God has taught me one thing...it's cheesy and cliche, "never say never". He has changed my heart and mind on these different things that I had at one time been very against. Hey, it is possible to change when you get older! Through this I have also learned, don't judge because you never know when you will reach a point in life when you will have to make the very decision you are so adamantly opposing. Let's have grace with each other and be less judgy. I'm still learning...
Our precious third baby was born on June 15th and at the 3 day home visit she had lost over 10% of her weight, which is not good. My midwife mixed up a bottle of formula and said "here give this to her". With a lump in my throat and tears brimming, I fed my baby formula for the first time ever. The other two kids never had issues with nursing, my milk came in fine and there was enough. Years ago I would have made some ignorant remark such as, "why would you give your baby formula when your body produces the best food there is?" Now I knew why and felt like such a bitch for ever thinking that. When your baby is starving and your body just isn't doing what you think it "should" for whatever reason, you do what you have to do to make sure your child is healthy damn it! I have since been taking various supplements, pumping 3 times a day and eating lactation cookies...but still we have to supplement with a little formula while I'm at work because I just can't keep up. It's heart breaking. I often feel like I'm failing her. Why can't I make enough milk? Well, life is much different than it was 8 years ago when I had Kieren or even 5 years ago when I had Zoe...much different. There is more stress, more busyness, I'm probably not eating the best calorie rich foods I should be, I can't stop what I'm doing to pump every 2 hours after I've already nursed Freija...the list goes on. LIFE IS DIFFERENT and I just need to stop worrying and feeling bad and accept this is what it is and it is OK.
Next on the list is...home schooling. Or as we are calling it "home learning", because for our 2nd grader there is a lot of negativity around the word School. In recent weeks we have in a nutshell become fed up with the public school system where we live. We think he has had excellent teachers over the last two and a half years, but the system is failing him. I won't go into too much detail but just say, we decided that the best decision for him would be to give him the one on one attention he needs and take over his education at home. I used to think there was no way I could do this..."I'm not a teacher" I would say. Him and I often butt heads and we both get frustrated; but when he came home from school a couple weeks ago and said he hadn't eaten his lunch (for the umpteenth time) I said "that's it, this has to change". I work in the evenings right now and never even see him except for the frantic hour in the morning when we're getting ready for school and 5 minutes at pick up before I go in to work. All he really sees of me is crazy yelling mom telling him to put his shoes on and finish breakfast for the 15th time. I don't like that. So because our schedules allow us to do this, we're going to do it and over Christmas break he will transition out of public school and into a much more free, relaxed and peaceful learning environment at home. I'm not saying this is what everyone should do or that it will work well for every kid...only that it's what we believe is best for our kid, in this season. Maybe it will be long term, maybe he will go back to a public or even private school one day....we're going to play it by ear.
Now that we have put it out there with our boss I can also now say that another thing on my list is the possibility of moving to Michigan in the new year. I grew up in California. I lived in Sonoma County, San Jose and Sacramento. Then we transitioned to Seattle and have loved it. We have made some lifelong connections in this place, gone through some major life changes, had two babies here! I have always loved this West coast and I used to say I could "never" move to the mid west. Well...we are getting priced out of Seattle. Norm is going to Seminary long distance and the job opportunities out there and difference in cost of living have brought us to the realization that it's something to consider.
I feel like in all these areas of life God has taught me one thing...it's cheesy and cliche, "never say never". He has changed my heart and mind on these different things that I had at one time been very against. Hey, it is possible to change when you get older! Through this I have also learned, don't judge because you never know when you will reach a point in life when you will have to make the very decision you are so adamantly opposing. Let's have grace with each other and be less judgy. I'm still learning...
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