Embodied Living

 I recently read The Wisdom of Your Body by Hillary McBride; I had heard such good things, and I now truly believe everyone should read it.  For the first time in 42 years, I have finally learned how to accept and love my body as she is.  I won't claim to have achieved full enlightenment on the matter (I know I still have a lot of room to grow and learn) but I feel like my eyes have been opened.

I was a skinny kid with high metabolism but of course I still got teased in elementary school and middle school, cause kids are mean.  In between 8th and 9th grade I briefly went to modeling school because people thought I should, but I quit because it wasn't what I really wanted and it felt so shallow and toxic.  When I think back on my teenage years, I had mixed feelings about my body and there are a lot of reasons why.  I grew up in evangelical Christianity, and I blame "purity culture" and church in general for making me think that my body was evil.  I was taught that if I didn't cover up, I would be a "temptation" and I was solely responsible for the thoughts of boys and men around me.  I blame society overall, magazines, TV and media, the fashion industry, the patriarchy and so much more for the way we view our bodies.  

I thought I had to stay skinny because if my body changed after marriage and children, that would mean I had "let myself go" or might risk losing the attention of my spouse.  When you see famous people having babies and appear to go "back to normal" the next day, it's hard to have realistic expectations for ourselves.  What we don't see is the physical therapy, personal trainer, plastic surgery and who knows what else going on in the background.  Of course, there is the expectation of them to always look the same and age in reverse.  HA!  After I had a couple babies, my body did change.  When my second child was about 2, I started to have people ask me if I was pregnant.  It made me feel embarrassed, angry, helpless and ashamed.  I was not prepared before pregnancy for what would happen to my body after.  I definitely should have done more work to prevent diastasis recti and physical therapy after giving birth.  I did a little work on my own but maybe not enough.  I definitely did not have enough grace with myself, considering I was working with small children and trying my best.

In between having kids and when we were done (after 4), I continued to get those questions now and then, "are you pregnant?", "when are you due?"  It continued to fill me with rage and feelings of helplessness.  It's as if in our culture, people assume that if your belly sticks out at all, the only possible conclusion is that you're pregnant.  There is absolutely zero sensitivity to the fact that maybe that woman has fibroids, maybe she has tried to get pregnant and can't, maybe she doesn't want children and that's just what her body looks like.

About a year ago I would look in the mirror and just say, "I hate you".  I was at an absolute low when it came to my self-image.  I felt that I had tried to fix the separation in my belly that was a result of large babies, but with the limited exercise I could do, it wasn't working one bit.  I hated how it felt when people looked at me and their eyes immediately went to my belly, did they really think I didn't notice?  So, I started to do yoga every morning and try some ab exercises that would be safe.  On the days that I skipped yoga; I really noticed it and when I was consistent, I enjoyed how it made my body feel.

After reading this book, I was able to look in the mirror and say, "I love you and I accept you for the way you are".  I put my hand on my belly and thanked her for growing 4 babies and for birthing them through my body in a miraculous way.  I thanked her for the way she recovered from birth and fed the babies but also listened when she couldn't produce enough milk.  I thanked her for the ways she has matured and tells me when I need to slow down and rest.  I apologized for all the hateful things I have told her, when I have made her feel like she's failing or not doing enough and all the ways I have shamed her.

I think it's very sad that it has taken me until now to finally reach a point when I can accept and love my body.  My hope and prayer are that it doesn't take my daughters that long.  There is so much work we have to do to counter the messages that are coming at our children, it's exhausting.

The subtitle on The Wisdom of Your Body is "Finding healing, wholeness, and connection through embodied living".  The author talks about her own healing from an eating disorder and a few different stories of people that sought therapy from her.  She expands on what it means to truly live in the body, how the body communicates with us, as well as the tragic ways we have been taught to shut it down, compartmentalize and not listen to our bodies.  It's going to take a lot of work to unlearn all the toxic messages we have been taught when it comes to body image but people like Hillary McBride give me hope.  If you have time, please read this book.  It just might change your life.