I have this one life

 I've been going through something lately.  For the longest time I didn't really know what I wanted to "do" vocationally, so I bounced around to various jobs because it met our financial needs.  About 7 years ago I started to finally realize what I wanted to "do"...go to massage school and become a massage therapist.  I knew I couldn't at the time but eventually I would try.  We moved to Iowa and well, let's just say it...Iowa brought out the feminist/revolutionary/social justice advocate side of me, so I went back to school to get a certificate in social justice.  I took one class and then we had to leave and move back to the Pacific Northwest.  Being back home here has been great but financially, it's just not possible for me to continue my education.  Life happens, rent goes up, you do what you gotta do.

A couple months ago I started a new job.  It's been a good opportunity in the sense that it helps me provide for our family, but I don't love it.  It's not what I really "want" to do.  So I got a bit depressed and some feelings started to come up that were not fun...feelings of resentment, bitterness, jealousy.  I sat in it, I confessed it, I decided to try to be content where I am.  There are good days and bad days.  There are days when I'm so low that I need to give myself a pep talk before walking into work but there are also days when I'm able to see the good and meaningful moment and take joy in it.

The other day I was driving to work and had what I can only call an "It's a Wonderful Life" moment.  I pictured myself being in a terrible car accident and asked myself, if that happened today, would I be able to look back and say that I lived a good life?  Would I be able to say I really cherished each moment?  Sure I might not be doing the job I dreamed of doing...but what I am doing is taking care of my kids, and I definitely dreamed about them.  They were always what I dreamed about the most.  I always knew I wanted to be a Mom.  In that moment I really felt challenged to let go of the resentment I was holding on to, of not being "happy" in my job and to focus on what matters most to me, my kids.  Am I really valuing every minute I have with them?  Sure I wish I could be with them more, spending time with them and not at work...but when I do have time with them, am I taking it for granted by dwelling on other things?

Every year since it came out, I have read Honest Advent by Scott Erickson.  Even though I've read these stories several times, they still manage to hit me right where and when I need it.  This morning I read about God's sovereignty, which can be a tricky thing to attempt to comprehend.  When I graduated High School I put Jer 29:11 on my cap, "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to give you hope and a future".  That passage has been taken out of context and misapplied so much.  This is not to say that God doesn't have a plan for my life or knows what will happen, just that I spent way too much time agonizing over it.  The chapter I read this morning ended with this,

I don't know how sovereignty works, but I do know that God is very, very detailed with our lives.  And when we awaken to that intentionality, it will fill us with wonder.  May you find the Almighty waiting in the conversation you can have only by being in your current situation.

My current situation.  Patient Access Associate at Valley Medical Neuroscience.  I can literally waste my time by dwelling on the fact that this is not where I planned, wanted to be or dreamed of being...OR I can look for those moments where the Almighty is waiting for me.  Maybe I'm here to be the one person who doesn't gossip about everyone else.  Maybe I'm here because it made it easier to get one of my kids an appointment to be seen by a Neurologist so they could start medication that might help.  I have no idea where this road will lead.  I have no idea if I will ever be able to go back to school.  What I do know is that I interviewed for dozens of jobs and this is where I ended up.  Rather than dwell on the negative and keep myself in the dark, I can choose to look for the positive and step into the light.  This is my prayer for 2025.  I have chosen Present as my word in the past and think I might need to again.  I need to be present, aware and grateful for this one life I have...

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