How do you grieve the living?

 How do you grieve a relationship with someone who is still living?  Sure, I have experienced break ups and the loss of friendships that were very hard but nothing like this.  My Dad and I have always had a rocky relationship, and I never wanted to "give up" but at 41 I feel like I've finally reached that point.  I have some good memories from my childhood...exposure to healthy eating, being taught how to work hard and the value of being entrepreneurial.  I was exposed to other belief systems and still retain their value and meaning.  He knew the importance of culture and music and I even saw a production of Hair and the musical duo Tuck and Patti.  I get to say I lived in Maui when I was a toddler because my Dad loves to wind surf.  He taught me to question, even though at the time it was scary and unthinkable to question my beliefs.  I wasn't sure he would come to my wedding, but he showed up to the rehearsal in a suit, with a manicure.  

Over the years my Dad would say things like "father is just a name that society has given me", while he would work his ass off to make sure I had what I needed and write me letters when he was on jobs that were far away.  He knew the importance of spending time with me.  I was always able to adapt to whatever it was, for the most part.  As I got older, I saw him less but I always tried to stay in touch.  When you have kids of your own, a lot of things change and apparently what you're willing to "take" changes too.

When my first was on the way, my Dad was very excited and even paid for me to have a home birth.  When we moved to WA, he of course preferred that we had stayed in the area, but he actually came to visit for Thanksgiving (I cannot say how weird that was having grown up with a very un-conventional father).  He expressed a desire to have his grandson come visit him but did not understand my hesitancy.  I had a hard time imagining letting my boy go visit my Dad with whom I had always had a very strained relationship.  I wasn't saying no but I would have to be ready for it, emotionally.  This was not okay with him.  Years passed and we grew further apart.  When I told him my fourth was on the way, he put his head in his hands and said, "well that's a choice".  I still didn't want to give up but started to grow more guarded.  The last time I visited family I saw him and my cousin had actually had a dream about our meeting which was pretty accurate.  He cried, we connected, and it was beautiful.  When my plane landed in Seattle, he had actually sent me a "Happy Mother's Day" text and I was in shock.  Our communication was still limited but it was there and I had hope.

A few months ago, I was talking with my uncle about the idea of Kieren (now16) going to visit.  It's something he really wanted to do and had asked about a few times.  It would really mean a lot to him to be able to have a chance to get to know his only living grandfather.  I made the HUGE mistake of bringing it up and saying it might be possible.  I sent a text to my Dad saying that I would be coming to visit my cousin in October and would love to see him and discuss the idea of Kieren coming to visit.  His reply was essentially, "It's too late".  Of all the times I've had my heart ripped out, this was maybe the worst because it effected my son who is basically my heart on the outside of my body.

Here is this person who helped make me, who is still on this earth yet is closing the door on me...but not just me, my children too.  He hasn't even met two of my kids.  After all these years of not losing hope, not wanting to give up even though my heart told me to, after apologizing for any hurt I caused him when I was a fundamental Christian, after reaching out and telling him how much I learned from him and loved him...I WAS DONE.  I am done?

Part of me wonders if I ever actually can be done trying with him but I know this, I have to try to move on now for my sake and the sake of my kids.  

I've been having dreams where we're at his house and he's talking with my 9 year old or that he's just there in the background.  Clearly these are subconscious wishes but man it's painful.

When our son was 9 months old, his grandparents were preparing to come visit from Thailand and two weeks before the trip his grandfather had a tragic accident and never got to meet him.  Our family suffered an unimaginable and incomprehensible loss and yet here is this man, who is still on this earth that for whatever reason is choosing not to be connected to his family, when the opportunity is given.  How do you grieve this kind of loss?  How do you let go?

I know the answer to my question, I probably need therapy.  It just helps me sometimes to write out how I'm feeling and share it.

Have you experienced a loss like this?  How did you process it?  Were you able to let go of what will likely never be?