What Was I Made For?

 It was probably about 8-10 years ago that I really started the deconstructing/rebuilding phase of my faith journey.  I grew up in the conservative Evangelical Christian tradition and the older I get, the more I realize how much it really messed me up (I actually toned that down quite a bit).  In the late 90's/early 2000's there was a lot of focus on how we should live our lives for Christ and what that meant vocationally.  It was drilled into me that I could either be a missionary to a foreign country or have a ministry job in a local church, but anything "main stream" couldn't possible be God's will for my life.  There must be "more" than that, right?

When I was in high school I was very active in my youth group and the president of the Christian club at school (cringe).  I even got a job working for Family Christian Stores.  I was deeply entrenched in the culture.  As a junior, I started looking at Christian Colleges and decided to go to the one my pastor had gone to.  I had an interest in youth ministry but if I'm honest with myself, I was mostly interested in marrying a youth pastor.  So I was accepted to SJCC and took out loans to make it happen.  I started out as a youth ministry major.  I became interested in psychology so switched majors briefly, then switched to Music and Worship but ended up just getting a minor instead.  I graduated college with a degree in Bible and Theology and a minor in Music and Worship and started working...at an insurance company.

After a while in the file room/mail room/bonds dept, my soul slowly began to die and I quit to go work at a preschool.  I enjoyed working there until the directors son who was in the class that I assisted with would throw epic tantrums and kick me in my newly pregnant belly.  I left there to work at Peet's Coffee and Tea, which I truly loved.  Honestly, it might have been the job I have most enjoyed.  When we moved from California to Washington I had to leave Peet's and eventually worked for the coffee shop our church ran which eventually morphed into being the director of children's ministry.  After "moving" to Thailand, coming back and being briefly homeless, Norm started working for a friend who opened a PT clinic and got her to hire me as well.

Five years later we moved to Michigan so Norm could finish his MDiv and while there I worked at a Chiropractic clinic.  It was there that I started to feel drawn to massage therapy and began thinking about going to massage school one day.  Norm finished school, we had our fourth baby and moved to Iowa for his first call as Pastor.  I became Pastor's wife and stay at home mom but still...had this nagging question of, what should I "do"?  After about a year of living in Iowa I started to work towards a certificate in Social Justice at the Harvard Online Extension.  I only took one class before we realized we had to leave Iowa and FAST.

I was able to get re-hired at the PT clinic and started there after we made our journey back to Seattle.  After two years I quit and got a new job at a PT clinic closer to home and that's where I am today.

For this entire journey of various jobs that I have had there has been an underlying feeling that there must be something "more" out there, a question of "what am I meant to do"?  This inner turmoil has really increased over the last couple years and for 2024 I chose the words "calling" and "purpose".  

What is mine?

The other night we were watching a Trevor Noah special on Netflix and he talks about going to Paris and talking to people there.  He would ask "what do you do?" and they would respond with "oh yes, I go for walks and I eat good food..." and he explained that what they "do" is not the same as it is in America.  When you meet someone here in the States and ask what they "do", they will reply with what their job is.  That hit me hard.  For the days following I began to repeat a mantra to myself, "I am not my job".  I also realized that it is because of my experience growing up in church that I have always had this feeling that if I'm doing a "normal" job, there is something wrong and it can't possible be "enough".  If I'm bagging groceries at QFC (oh yeah I forgot about that one)...I must be failing somehow.

Honestly I am very angry that this line of thought was engrained in me because if it weren't for the people doing the "average" and "normal" jobs, our society would completely fall apart.  Could it be possible for me to have an "average" kind of job, help put food on the table for my family and also do things that interest me?  YES.  Though sometimes I'm too tired to do anything after working eight hours...

I am furious that the church led me to believe that my worth could only be found in getting married, having children and/or doing "ministry" because I now know that real and genuine "ministry" is actually done in everyday life through getting to know people and building community.  It is rarely done within the walls of the church building.  Of course I am not saying I haven't found joy or worth in being married and having kids, they are the loves of my life...

I just honestly never believed that I would be 40 and still not really sure of who I am.

SO here is what I know...I have a heart for people, for justice and equality.  I love to sing.  I enjoy cleaning and crafting and art.  I believe I have a talent for massage.  Will I ever be employed doing any of these things?  I don't know but it's a start.  I think that I probably need some therapy and have some true healing to do from the very real damage I received growing up as an Evangelical Christian.  Let the healing begin.