My Story

 Recently I have been listening to a podcast called Bodies Behind the Bus where victims of spiritual and emotional abuse share their stories, specifically people who attended churches planted by Acts 29.  It has inspired me to want to share my own story that I have been mulling over for years.  To be clear, I do not think I was abused but I do think there was a mishandling of power that played out and an emotionally inappropriate relationship that ensued.

Before I get into it I think it's relevant to share some of my background.  My parents divorced when I was three and while I still saw my Dad (mostly on weekends), we had a rocky relationship.  He was not a fan of me going to church and becoming "one of those people" and honestly, I truly GET IT now as an adult.  Anyhow, as I got into middle school and high school I became really involved in youth group.  I latched on to the leaders and really admired and looked up to them.  I made some great friendships.  I want to say it was around the time I started high school or maybe just before, our church hired a new youth pastor.  He was from Australia and had a very cool accent. He was married with small children and they seemed like really fun people that would fit in well with some crazy teenagers.  He seemed to notice that I was very involved and a leader in my own way and after learning my background he started to become a "big brother" of sorts.  It took me years though to realize that the way he singled me out was highly inappropriate, although I think some of the adult leaders saw it at the time and were keeping a watchful eye.  

When we gathered to pray before our Mexico trip meetings he would make sure I was standing by him and when the prayer was done, he squeezed my hand and you could say held it a bit too long.  One day he wanted to give me a new CD that had just come out and came to my house to give it to me with a long letter.  My mom was not there at the time.  Nothing happened but I think on some level, that made me uncomfortable.  We would take trips to Mexico every year to build a house and we drove the whole way in a bus.  He would drive and every time I looked up, he was looking at me in the rear view mirror.  At the time, I saw this as him being a "protective and caring big brother type"...when I think about it now, it's creepy.  The reason I can see it now as being highly inappropriate is because he did not give this kind of attention to any other girls in the youth group.

When I was a junior in high school I got my first boyfriend so of course I was spending a lot of time with him and my youth pastor and I began to grow apart.  When my boyfriend dumped me my senior year, I went and got my nose pierced.  I was 18 and while I didn't ask my mom first, she was fine with it.  My youth pastor on the other hand made me feel bad and guilted me into taking it out because I was supposed to be "an example".  While I continued to spend time at their house and stay in touch with him, his attention had definitely changed from feeling like he was looking out for me to feeling like he was judging me.  I had two very close guy friends that at one time or another had feelings for me and at times I was confused but never really felt the same.  One day the youth pastor's wife called me up and practically yelled at me to "stop breaking the hearts of our boys!"  I was stunned.

The summer after I graduated we went to a music festival.  The youth pastor's cousin was visiting from Australia and came with us.  In a matter of days, he started to flirt with me.  I was 18 and he was in his 30's.  After the festival when we were back at home I would hang out with him and I was definitely thinking that I liked him at this point but I was unsure how to feel about the age difference.  I was also getting ready to start college.  He started to talk about marriage and moving to Australia; because I was raised (in church) to believe my main goal in life was to get married, I was seriously considering it.  I had only known him for a couple weeks.  A very good friend talked some sense into me and thankfully, I said no.  During this whole thing though, my youth pastor did not step in once.  He had gone from being my protective "big brother" to allowing his 30 something year old cousin to essentially prey on me and nearly take advantage of how naïve I was.  Soon after this he completely stopped talking to me.  I tried to reach out to him to find out why and his wife intervened and spoke to me on the phone.  My theory is that he realized he had behaved inappropriately but didn't know how to handle it.

It crushed me.

I desperately wanted a male figure in my life that I could trust and he completely abandoned me with no explanation.  I was also never given an apology but lead to believe I was at fault in some way.  It took me years to heal from that wound. 

Just after college I saw my old youth pastor at a wedding.  I was married and pregnant with our first.  He acted as if nothing had ever happened and made small talk about Christian music.  He was surprised to see that I was not the same person I had been in high school.  I could not wait to end the small talk and get away from him.

My story and others are why in a youth group setting, healthy boundaries are vital.  I mean they are vital in all aspects of life, but especially where young, hormonal, confused and already hurt teenagers go.