Motherhood

Lately I have been contemplating the seasons of motherhood.  Early on when they were newborns (and of course the first experience was much different than the fourth), I was exhausted and at times nearing insanity.  I was the food source and the comfort source and didn't have "me time", that was definitely not a thing.  At the same time, I was overwhelmed with how much love I felt for these tiny humans.  As they grew into toddlers and started to exert their independence and develop their personalities...I was "tested" you could say.  During this stage I began to see how much they were teaching me and how much I still had to learn about being a functioning, healthy parent.  When I was at home with the kids 24/7, I often took that time for granted.  Now that I am working outside the home, I love my job but I also find myself drinking my coffee in the morning before work just staring at the face of my 3 year old.

As my third child got older I started to see things in myself that I did not like and I didn't understand how I had become that way.  I was often short with her, at times even giving her exasperated looks.  It really ticked me off that she "never" listened and sometimes did things she knew she wasn't supposed to...she just wanted my attention and affection.  One day when I said "I love you", she said "I thought you hated me"; my heart sank and that was one of my lowest moments as a mother.  I now make much more of an effort to be patient and understanding with her and ALWAYS say how much I love her and why.  

The "tween" phase of my second child (first daughter) held a mirror right up to my face.  That was painful, humbling, frustrating, illuminating and beautiful.  I once thought we would never "get" each other, I was convinced she didn't like me...today I feel a deep and meaningful connection with her and what it took was humbling myself and being open to correction.

My first born will be 14 this weekend...maybe that's what's making me think about all this.  He has been on his own journey discovering who he is and I've had the joy of standing by him to witness it.  Since he was small he has had such a sensitive spirit and I'm so grateful it hasn't been broken by the world and the events of his life.  I feel like I'm right on the brink of sending him out into the world.  It scares and excites me at the same time.  I know that even though I want to hold on to him forever, I can't.  He must live his own life and make his own way.  I'm just happy he lets me hug him.

I think if I look at being a Mom as God loaning me these beauties for a time, it might be easier to send them out into the world?  Maybe?

I have to admit, it is very cool to watch the people they are growing into...to see who they are apart from me, as individuals and learn to truly honor that.

14 years ago I knew I wanted kids but I was so young and although I knew it was a huge undertaking and responsibility, I had no freaking clue.  However, aside from the weight of keeping tiny humans alive and trying not to screw them up too much; I think the hardest part is actually the letting go.  How do you love someone with your entire being, so much that it hurts, and still be able to let them go and send them out into the big world?  You have faith.  You trust that all the blood, sweat and tears you have poured into mothering them has made an impact and that the things they learned from you will help them survive, maybe even thrive.  You tell them stories about how you failed, all the things you did wrong and what you learned.  You tell them about your accomplishments and your dreams, how they came true and how they didn't, but how you pushed on regardless.  You tell them that sadly, being a grown up and going to work is not entirely unlike being in middle school, there will still be drama....and you take joy in telling them about your drama because you know they can see your humanity through it all.  You watch the things they love and read the books they love and listen to the  music they love because that shows them how much you love THEM.  You admit when you're wrong and you apologize.  You make mistakes and feel like a failure but you know you must be doing something right because they're still excited to see you at the end of the day.

Motherhood is...immense joy, heartache, loss, fun, confusion, frustration, wonder, humility, beauty, truth.