T-Shirt Drawer

 I recently decided that it's time to go through my t-shirt drawer and get rid of some and save the special one's for my future t-shirt blanket that I might make someday...I feel the need to simplify my wardrobe so that it's not a big ordeal deciding what to wear everyday.  As I sift through all these shirts I begin to see a common theme.  I have a few "nerdy" shirts with Star Wars or Stranger Things references, I have a few that I've gotten at breweries we've gone to and then the rest seem to be making some sort of statement.  The shirts that are making a statement were pretty much all bought while we were in Iowa.  There's the "Stop Asian Hate", "Black Lives Matters", (something about how Jesus treated women) and how it's "our turn", "Injustice Anywhere is a Threat to Justice Everywhere", "Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History"...and so on.  I started to think about why I got so many shirts like this while we were in Iowa and I realized, I felt like I had something to prove.  I was really starting to figure out who I was and then as I was realizing that, coming to grips with the fact that who I am is not necessarily "acceptable" in that area.  A feminist who is passionate about social justice with progressive/democrat leanings does not really blend in, in rural Iowa (especially church).  I thought about the various statements on the shirts, about the things I believe and feel strongly about and I realized; I don't have to prove myself, I don't have to broadcast on my chest my opinions about various things.  I know who I am, God knows who I am and loves and accepts me as I am and that's ENOUGH.

I must admit, after we lived in Iowa for a bit and I started to feel resistance, I put my fists up and took a fighting stance.  That was not the right way.  I felt like the more resistance I got, the more I had to push back and it was exhausting.  I definitely learned a lesson (I know we all learned a lot from our experience there) but I think the most important thing I learned, which will be a struggle to remember until I die was this, "what other people think about me is none of my business"; I don't remember where I heard that but it's gold.

I think about my toddler and how she responds to being told what to do.  The more we insist that she do something, the more she will resist and she will ALWAYS insist on doing things herself, even if it ends in a broken zipper and tears.  The more I saw what was expected of me and got resistance for thinking differently than the "norm", the more I fought back and the result was nearly total isolation, which I now see was mostly self inflicted.

The funny thing is that when I was a kid, I had so many Christian t-shirts that said things like "Go Against the Flow" or "Jesus Freak"...I was insistent on broadcasting my faith to the world with my t-shirt but didn't know how to do it with my life.  Now as an adult, do I really need to broadcast my opinions with my shirt? Maybe I can learn how to tactfully share my thoughts in other ways, have constructive conversations.  I feel the same way about bumper stickers...you can really turn someone off with a hateful message on your car.  Does this mean it's not okay to show our love for activism with our clothes and stickers?  No!  I just wonder if we've forgotten how to do it in any other way... Don't get me wrong, I won't hesitate to wear a "Smash the Patriarchy" shirt, I just think I need to look at my motives in doing so.  If I'm trying to prove myself to everyone then that's probably not the right motivation but if I'm just sharing something I feel strongly about, something I believe, a movement I want to show support for, maybe that's the proper motivation behind doing something like that.

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