Free To Be

 I recently wrote in an Anniversary card to my husband, "it must be hard being married to someone who doesn't really know who they are" and it's true, fifteen years ago I was 22 and had no freaking clue who I was.  Now I am 37 and finally beginning to figure it out.  A few months ago I read a book by Jen Hatmaker called Fierce, Free, and Full of Fire, I am now close to being done with Untamed by Glennon Doyle and these books are changing my life.  I am learning that for most of my life I have succumbed to the cages society put me in and I'm finally finding my way out.

I grew up in a very conservative evangelical sect of Christianity.  A lot of things were "bad".  Halloween was bad, secular music was bad, dating was bad, voting democrat was bad (and so on).  When I was taught the story of Adam and Eve I bought into the lie that we are fallen because Eve screwed up, it was ultimately "her fault".  That lie lead me to believe that maybe there is something about women that is less than, not as good as, something about us that should always be ashamed.  As I grew into adolescence it was all about "finding your identity in Christ".  Now I'm not saying that is not an important thing for a Christian to do...however, I've come to believe that it definitely inhibited my finding out who I am.  I don't believe that God created us all to be the same, absolutely not!  We were created in God's image, meaning that men and women are equally representative of who God is.  That being said, I don't think it's bad to do a little self discovery along the way and find out who God made us to be.

As a young woman I believed that it was my ultimate goal to find a Christian man to marry, have kids and be the ideal "Proverbs 31 woman" (thank you Rachel Held Evans for changing what that means for me).  Due to my very limited view of what my life should look like, I went to a small Christian college and majored in what slightly interested me but my main goal was to soon get married.  Now at 37 I'm trying to figure out what the hell I want to "do with my life".  When you're beginning to discover who you are, it's hard to know what the best vocation might be for you, especially when it might involve going back to school.  I know I have a gift for massage so part of me wants to pursue that.  I also know I feel very strongly about equal rights for women and being an advocate for them, so I wonder if I should go back and get my Masters.  Amidst all of this I am a mother.  Don't get me wrong, my four children are the loves of my life and being their mom is the most sacred and important thing I will ever do.  I'm also figuring out that there is more to me.  For me to dream about what I want to "do" with my life is not selfish, in fact, it shows my daughters that they can always go after their dreams.  

I am thankful that I have a husband that does not perpetuate the lies I believed growing up and he supports me in whatever I decide to do.  I'm thankful for friends that demonstrate what it means to pursue a calling, even if you don't get there until after having kids.

One of the main things I am taking away from Untamed and Fierce, Free and Full of Fire, is to be ME no matter what.  It is OK to take up space in this world.  It is OK to have thoughts and opinions and to share them.  I'm not saying I advocate being an asshole about it.  I definitely try to "speak truth in love"...sometimes I fail, but I try.  I was recently told that I should probably tone it down when it comes to my social media posting.  I had a mix of emotions.  I was hurt to find out that people had been talking about me and not to my face, I was angry and embarrassed to be admonished like a child, and I was confused about how to respond or what to do.  My knee jerk reaction was to just unfriend a ton of people, I mean do they not know that they can just "unfollow" me?  Then I decided to go off of Facebook all together.  I was mostly fine with that decision until I began researching going back to school to get my Masters and realized that eventually FB would be pretty essential to contacting certain people and staying connected etc.  So, I took a deep breath and reactivated my account.  This is where I stand on it now... First of all, I acknowledge that there will always be some people that will not like what I have to say.  If I am doing MY best to speak truth in love and not in a hateful way, if I am saying something I feel strongly about and actually feel that God is prompting me to share, I DON'T CARE.  

What is the job of a Pastor?  If he/she there to make us feel good about ourselves all the time and always agree with everything we say and never ruffle our feathers?  NO!  I am not a pastor but I believe I have important and valuable thoughts and opinions and when I feel strong enough to put them out there I will do so with no shame.  Unfortunately there are still those who believe women should be silent, especially in the church, but I'm not buying into that.  If my opinions make you uncomfortable you can either choose to not listen and go about your day, or you can stop to consider that maybe it's worth taking the time to see someone else's perspective.  I don't have to change your mind, that's not my goal but if we don't value each other's perspective and take time to consider another point of view, we are failing as humanity.

Another thing I am learning about myself is that I am a Feminist.  Are Feminists all about burning bras and trying to be "better" than men?  NO!  Feminists are about being seen, valued and treated as equal human beings.  Guess what?  Jesus was totally a Feminist.  He saw the women that were "untouchable" and outcast, He listened to women and valued what they had to say, He appeared to women FIRST when He rose from the grave.  How did I not see it this way when I was growing up in church?  I don't know.  All I know is I'm so thankful to have this truth now.

So what am I learning about who I am?  I am learning that I'm strong, I have big feelings and God gave me big feelings so I could help change the world, I am a Feminist and I care very strongly about empowering and supporting women, I am a wife, I am a mother, I am a daughter, I am a friend.