Authenticity

I have been on a journey of discovering who I am and learning how to accept and love myself.  I am married to a pastor and when he was getting ready to graduate Seminary and apply for jobs, it started to get real and my fears began coming to the surface.  In all honesty there were many, but one of them being the idea that as the "pastor's wife" I would be expected to live up to a very specific standard.  I was anxious about the eyes that would be watching, I knew that wherever my husband accepted a "call", I would automatically be under a magnifying glass.  What I really wish is that before he graduated seminary we had gone through "pre-pastoral counseling".  You know how many couples do pre-marital counseling?  Kind of like that.  In retrospect I truly believe that pre-pastoral counseling  would have been just as important and beneficial.
Before Norm accepted his position I started to think that maybe I should "tone it down" on Facebook.  I knew from experience with my family and some friends that even the most innocent comment or post can be taken out of context or as a personal offense (even if it had absolutely nothing to do with them).  We moved, got settled in and I soon got back into my old habits.  In recent years I've realized that I have a very big heart for justice and when I see an injustice happening, something that just does not make sense or is plain stupid, I get fired up and cannot help but say what I think about it.  More often than not what I would post would be in response to something ridiculous Trump said or did and as the Covid-19 situation started to really ramp up...the jaw dropping moments just multiplied.
So...it was brought to my attention that some people had been highly offended by things I posted on Facebook.  Over night my fear became a reality.  Rather than block my posts or even "un-friend" me on Facebook, I was expected to filter my posts.  Some suggested that I take a break, maybe just don't put my political opinions out there.  Everyone loves seeing pictures of the kids, maybe just do that.  The message I received was, "don't ruffle feathers, don't have differing opinions or if you do just don't talk about it, you don't want to damage your husbands career".  I felt so uncomfortable and conflicted and just in shock that I didn't know what to do.  I knew this was coming eventually...but when it came it hit me like a bus.  At first I got quiet, then I chose who would see my posts, then I went back to letting everyone see my posts with the intention to just stop talking about Trump.  One day I got really angry about all the people who weren't listening to medical professionals that were advising social distancing and just weren't taking things seriously.  I posted in a rather sarcastic tone that "maybe it would be a good idea to listen to the medical professionals".  Someone commented "go back to California, they're on lock down".  That one really hurt.  I was dumbfounded.  I decided to just "unfriend" a lot of people and the hole just kept getting bigger.  One good friend suggested that I start a separate Facebook so I could avoid offending people by not being "friends" and just post there sometimes and keep my other one for posting my thoughts and opinions but just keep the settings very private.  I took the advice and set up a separate page but something just didn't feel right.
I recently started reading Jen Hatmaker's new book "Fierce, Free and Full of Fire" and it has really inspired and convicted me.  I'm only a few chapters in and already it has inspired me to make a big change.  After about 13 years I finally did it, I deleted Facebook.  No I didn't just deactivate it so I can go back later, I full on deleted it.  I decided that to have a separate page where I could be "friends" with church people or anyone who I thought might be offended by things I might post was just so contrary to the work I'm doing.  I am working towards finding out who I am and learning how to accept myself the way I am, to really appreciate the way that God has made me and understand how I tick.  If I silence parts of my voice or stuff down my anger towards injustice and stupidity, I am not being true to myself and I am not fulfilling the purpose God has for me.  I knew that this situation was only the beginning and there would be countless more offended and pissed off people in the future if I remained on Facebook.  So I quit. Let me tell you, I'm kind of surprised, but I don't miss it one bit!  I've always known that the constant scrolling and checking was sucking time out of my life and away from what truly matters and I knew I personally just don't have the self control to scale it back.  I'm not saying everyone should do what I did, I just knew that I needed to.  I felt a huge weight lifted and have breathed more deeply since.
The best outcome to this is that now people can get to know the real me, face to face.  I can have actual conversations with them instead of "oh I saw you did blank with blank on Facebook" and if something controversial comes up I hope I will have the courage to say what I think, no matter the cost.  I won't have to worry that everyone is talking about me behind my back because of something I posted.
I fully realize that in my position I need to choose my words carefully and speak with grace and love, this is something I am learning to do and I think will be easier now that I must share my opinions face to face and not just in quick Facebook posts.  However, what I refuse to do is to stay silent because I am a pastor's wife, because I am a woman or because I 'might' offend someone.  I'm beginning to learn that there is a very good reason that I get "fired up" about things and I cannot ignore it any longer.