Rewoven
I just finished reading Of Mess and Moxie by Jen Hatmaker (it was awesome by the way). One of her last chapters is called Rewoven. She tells a story of a precious handmade baby blanket that was viciously destroyed by the dog and how she took the tattered bits to her mother in law and asked if there was any way she could piece it back together. She didn't want a brand new handmade blanket but the same one that her baby girl had been sleeping with. Sure enough, it was lovingly put back together and was even stronger and could now be washed in the machine! Keep this little story in your mind...
You may know of the trip I took to CA with my two oldest kids recently. It was amazing, such a priceless time of family bonding and relaxation. At the beginning of the trip I was able to see my Dad. Quite honestly, at first I was very resistant to the idea because he insisted that he see only me, without the kids but my uncle talked me into it (and I'm glad he did). We had a very good talk, I would even say some healing took place and some things came to light that I was not aware of before. I came to appreciate more of my Dad's history and how it has impacted his view of "father" and why he has always been so resistant to it. He agreed to come and say hi to the kids and maybe even open the lines of communication, after I agreed to A, B and C. I got his number (to my surprise he actually texts) and in the following days I sent him pictures of the kids. He of course never responded. So I began to ask myself, what really is the point of all this? I put in all this effort and it is still only one sided. It has to be on his terms and yet he is still closed off to the world, as a way of protecting himself. I understand what's behind the actions or lack of action but I just can't help but wonder shouldn't I just let it go and stop trying?
Okay, back to the story of the rewoven baby blanket. Jen used her own story as a lead in to the Bible story of Joseph and his brothers. They turned on him and left him for dead, all seemed hopeless. Then after 22 years he stood before them, the second highest leader in the country but also willing to forgive them and help them. God took the ripped up pieces of Joseph's story and rewove it back together. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to throw out a very cliche, over used Christian saying "God works all things together for the good", because quite honestly however true that might be, it doesn't always feel that way and I've come to believe it's the worst possible thing you can say to someone who is deeply hurting. What I am doing is reading my own life in this story. I believe God is reweaving my story. I don't think I should cut myself off from my Dad because that is the complete opposite of my nature and I'm coming to see why I've never been able to do it. I don't think I should just stop trying because I have to hold on to hope that things could still change...but even if they don't...I have other "fatherly" examples in my life that I can go to for wisdom, encouragement, acceptance, love and support. Thirty years ago my stepdad came into my life, we had a very rough relationship for a while but after divorce and moving many times, I know he's still there for me and he cares. In college I met Carlo who adopted me as a spiritual daughter and has been a trusted mentor and friend through many phases of life. In more recent years I've reconnected with my Uncle Mo who has become like another Dad, offering his wisdom and advice on things ranging from health to family relations to buying a home.
What I've come to realize tonight is that each of these people has a place in my rewoven tapestry. For a time it was ripped to shreds and there was a great deal of pain...but I can't just start over and make a new one, I must allow God to reweave what He started, what I believed had fallen apart for good. I know the pain of loss will always be there but I think I'm learning to see and accept this blanket for what it is. There is a part of it that is sad, dysfunctional, hurting and closed off but there are parts that have been redeemed. I accept that I will likely never have the relationship I want with my biological Dad. What I choose to do is focus more on the relationships that are healthy, supportive, open and loving but also to not just cut off the one that seems to be "dead" because like it or not, it is a part of me. This is a battle I'm sure I will fight for the rest of my life and I know this isn't the first time I will want to give up. There are many aspects of my story, many ups and downs. There were painful and confusing times (still are)...but they have helped to shape who I am and perhaps made me more understanding of others in similar situations.
I believe that in the end all things will be restored and made right. Everything will be as it was meant to be and there will be no more crying or suffering. While we wait our stories are being rewoven thread by thread and if we look hard enough we can catch a tiny glimpse of what that restoration will look like.
You may know of the trip I took to CA with my two oldest kids recently. It was amazing, such a priceless time of family bonding and relaxation. At the beginning of the trip I was able to see my Dad. Quite honestly, at first I was very resistant to the idea because he insisted that he see only me, without the kids but my uncle talked me into it (and I'm glad he did). We had a very good talk, I would even say some healing took place and some things came to light that I was not aware of before. I came to appreciate more of my Dad's history and how it has impacted his view of "father" and why he has always been so resistant to it. He agreed to come and say hi to the kids and maybe even open the lines of communication, after I agreed to A, B and C. I got his number (to my surprise he actually texts) and in the following days I sent him pictures of the kids. He of course never responded. So I began to ask myself, what really is the point of all this? I put in all this effort and it is still only one sided. It has to be on his terms and yet he is still closed off to the world, as a way of protecting himself. I understand what's behind the actions or lack of action but I just can't help but wonder shouldn't I just let it go and stop trying?
Okay, back to the story of the rewoven baby blanket. Jen used her own story as a lead in to the Bible story of Joseph and his brothers. They turned on him and left him for dead, all seemed hopeless. Then after 22 years he stood before them, the second highest leader in the country but also willing to forgive them and help them. God took the ripped up pieces of Joseph's story and rewove it back together. Don't get me wrong, I'm not about to throw out a very cliche, over used Christian saying "God works all things together for the good", because quite honestly however true that might be, it doesn't always feel that way and I've come to believe it's the worst possible thing you can say to someone who is deeply hurting. What I am doing is reading my own life in this story. I believe God is reweaving my story. I don't think I should cut myself off from my Dad because that is the complete opposite of my nature and I'm coming to see why I've never been able to do it. I don't think I should just stop trying because I have to hold on to hope that things could still change...but even if they don't...I have other "fatherly" examples in my life that I can go to for wisdom, encouragement, acceptance, love and support. Thirty years ago my stepdad came into my life, we had a very rough relationship for a while but after divorce and moving many times, I know he's still there for me and he cares. In college I met Carlo who adopted me as a spiritual daughter and has been a trusted mentor and friend through many phases of life. In more recent years I've reconnected with my Uncle Mo who has become like another Dad, offering his wisdom and advice on things ranging from health to family relations to buying a home.
What I've come to realize tonight is that each of these people has a place in my rewoven tapestry. For a time it was ripped to shreds and there was a great deal of pain...but I can't just start over and make a new one, I must allow God to reweave what He started, what I believed had fallen apart for good. I know the pain of loss will always be there but I think I'm learning to see and accept this blanket for what it is. There is a part of it that is sad, dysfunctional, hurting and closed off but there are parts that have been redeemed. I accept that I will likely never have the relationship I want with my biological Dad. What I choose to do is focus more on the relationships that are healthy, supportive, open and loving but also to not just cut off the one that seems to be "dead" because like it or not, it is a part of me. This is a battle I'm sure I will fight for the rest of my life and I know this isn't the first time I will want to give up. There are many aspects of my story, many ups and downs. There were painful and confusing times (still are)...but they have helped to shape who I am and perhaps made me more understanding of others in similar situations.
I believe that in the end all things will be restored and made right. Everything will be as it was meant to be and there will be no more crying or suffering. While we wait our stories are being rewoven thread by thread and if we look hard enough we can catch a tiny glimpse of what that restoration will look like.
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