Trust Without Borders

In the last week I found out that at the end of May I get the great pleasure of taking my two oldest kids out to California to visit my family.  It's been over 8 years since I've been and that long since I've seen my Granny.  I've seen my cousin and her son since then when she was able to visit us in Seattle but it's been too long nonetheless.  I am beyond excited to be able to see my dear family and to see the ocean...I could cry!  At the same time that I am feeling so much excitement and anticipation I have also been feeling anxious and upset at the prospect of possibly seeing my Dad.  If you don't know my story with him, in a nutshell it's been a very rocky 30 years.  We've had our ups and downs but in recent years he stopped speaking to me.  Last year I decided to write some letters to him with the knowledge that he would likely not respond.  It was therapeutic and healing but also very difficult and painful.  If I do see him, I have no idea what would happen.  Would he even talk to me face to face?  Would Kieren get angry and speak with the honesty of a child, "Why don't you talk to us?  Do you care about us?"  Would it be an awkward moment or a time of possible healing and reconciliation?  Quite honestly I don't have high expectations but I realized something today. 

There are things I can control and there are things I can't control.

However my Dad might act if and when I see him is not something I can control.  If my children speak with honesty out of the hurt they have experienced from the loss of the presence of their Grandpa in their lives, I cannot control that.  What I CAN do is let God take this and trust Him to do whatever He will.

In the last couple days I've been telling myself that when we go to CA I just don't want to see him, I want to avoid that possible awkwardness and pain at all cost.  Then today I was given some wise words from a trusted mentor and listened to one of my favorite songs, Oceans...

"Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me You've never failed and You won't start now...Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders, let me walk upon the waters wherever you would call me.  Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander and my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior..."

On my own I cannot face this but I know that if I let it go into God's hands, anything is possible.  If I accept that I cannot control this and truly surrender it, maybe I could see him.  I am absolutely positive that it would be awkward, weird and uncomfortable...but there is the possibility of opening a door to healing.  If I shut him out in the way he's shut me out, what would I be teaching my kids?  What would I be showing them about grace, forgiveness and love?

I know the next couple months will hold some sensitive conversations and I'm still not quite sure what I should say to them to prepare them for this trip...but I'm willing to try.  The outcome could surprise me or it could all go horribly wrong but what I now know is that if I close myself off to the possibility of more hurt, I also close myself off to the possibility of healing.  Either way I am so thankful for my cousin, sister and best friend, my amazing aunt and uncle and my Granny.  Their support and understanding through it all has been amazing and I know that no matter what happens they will still be there for me.

So on Memorial Day weekend I will be jumping into the ocean, literally and figuratively.  I will be stepping out into unknown and uncharted waters but I have faith that the Lord will guide me and whatever the outcome He will hold me in His embrace.