Lost

I’ve been saying for a while now that the 30’s are awesome.  I always heard people talking about “leaving their 20’s” like it was going to be the end of the world, that things would just start going “downhill” from there.  I don’t know, maybe it’s because my 20’s weren’t as exciting as other peoples but for me, the 30’s have been awesome so far.  I think it’s because in recent years and especially in the past year I have learned so much about myself, I feel like I’ve really grown into who I am…maybe because I’ve realized that for a while there I had lost myself.

I got married when I was 22, not even done with college yet.  Before meeting Norm I had sort of dated a few people but I wouldn’t say I had much experience in romantic relationships.  Like I said I hadn’t even graduated college yet, I don’t think I really knew quite who I was yet.  I had always wanted to get married and have kids so when we said “I do” on August 13^th 2005, I dived in head first.  About two and a half years later we had our sweet Kieren…and the rest is history.  I became “wife” and “mom” about the time that most women are just beginning to find out who they are and what their dreams are.  Granted, my “dream” had always been just that and by no means am I saying I regret my choices…just that I am now realizing that along the way, I got lost.  This revelation has come on in waves over the past year and it started right about October when Norm had his first school intensive of the year.  I was able to meet a lot of his friends and schoolmates in person, which was really fun.  I had heard great things about them when he would come home from his trips to Michigan but now I was able to witness this awesome support group that he had.  One day I went to the school with Freija to hang out for a bit and when I got home I just started to break down crying and I didn’t understand it.  The more I thought about it, talked through it with friends and prayed it became clear, I was jealous.  I saw these women in his mentor group that were going to Seminary to become ordained ministers, some were wives and mothers, but they were pursuing their calling and vision!  Of course I believe that my role as a mother is a calling and I take it very seriously, but I still felt something was missing.

Flash forward a few months, Norm is stressed with school and fighting kids that are home for the summer then throw on top of that a bum knee that probably needs surgery.  WHAT!?!  This is life?  Why?!  I’m feeling lost, confused and very, very down.  Then it hits me again, in slow and suffocating waves…I have built up this idea in my head of what it all “should” look like and I have lost who I am, most simply as a child of God.  When we got married “two became one”, but that doesn’t mean that we should lose ourselves in each other or build our identity on the other person.  I just read an amazing explanation of what “two become one” really means.  The person said what they first thought was that it was something like adding chocolate chips to cookie dough (adding something awesome to something awesome and as a result getting something incredible) but that what she eventually learned was that it was more like welding two metals together.  Something beautiful is created, but the process can burn and be painful.

In recent weeks I could have easily said “well this sucks, it’s too hard, maybe it’s not working”…but what God is helping me to see is that I need to find myself in Him again, I need to remember what brings me joy, what He has gifted me with and what makes me…me.  Even though I am married and have kids, I am still me!  Who knew!?

While I am excited for our future in ministry and to witness where God leads us, I am also excited for what the future might hold for me.  I have been thinking about the idea of massage school and specializing in pre-natal and post-natal massage, maybe even becoming a doula.  Sure I’m 34, but why not?!  It’s still a dream at this point, but it’s nice to have a dream and something I am interested in all by myself.   I am finding so much peace in this season of life.  Not always joy…at times great suffering and doubt…but peace nonetheless.  I’ve been doing a lot of reading that has inspired me to focus on being thankful, even for the smallest things; to slow way down and be more present (instead of perfect).  I’ve been doing yoga and learning more about meditation, meeting with a counselor and working through shit.  Hey, it is what it is.

I’ve been thinking over these things for a while now and just wanted to share in case there is someone out there who might be going through something similar.  I have a dear friend who has told me “everyone is on their own path to healing”, meaning that everyone finds healing in their own space and time and it’s important to respect that.  I don’t have it all together but I’m thankful for a God who does (even though it doesn’t always make sense) and I’m thankful for each person I meet along the way that speaks truth into my life, each in their own way.