Motherhood: Not One Size Fits All
Being a mother is such an amazing, special and priceless gift we are given. It also does not look the same for everyone. For a time I was at home with my kids and it always bothered me when other women would say "I'm just a stay at home mom" in response to the question of what they did for work. The word just implied that it wasn't much or not enough. Taking care of your home and your children is no little thing, it is hard work. I have gone through seasons where I have been full time at home, part time at home and full time at work. A couple weeks ago I was at my small group, a wonderful group of women made up of Calvin Seminary wives (and wives that are also students). We had just read a chapter in our book about the Proverbs 31 woman and were discussing our thoughts. I mentioned that it had helped me see her in a different light than I had before, that she was a working woman and not just at home with her kids. It dawned on me a few minutes later, that wow...I had done it, I had said the very thing that used to make my skin crawl...to some women that do exactly that, stay at home and take care of their children and their home and do not work outside of it. I drove away that night feeling awful and realizing how easy it is to fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to each other as mothers and feeling that no matter what we're doing it's never good enough (which is a lie by the way).
For some being a mother is the dream, for others a career is the dream and being a mother happens along the way. For myself I have come to realize that I am both and it has taken many years to figure it out. As a young woman I knew I wanted to have kids and I didn't have big career dreams for myself. I went to a Christian college as a youth ministry major (which changed a few times), with the underlying goal of marrying a youth pastor so we could be in ministry together. I graduated college with no idea of what kind of job I should look for (and pregnant with our first). Ideally I would be at home with our kids and my husband would work; except that my husband was still in school getting his masters. So we both worked, ships passing in the night, for many years to come. Coffee shops, church jobs, preschool, grocery store, physical therapy clinic. We did what we had to do. There were times when it was cheaper for me to stay at home than to pay for daycare so we did that. Other times when Norm would work full time and I would work part time, we just never saw each other. We are now in a season where he is at home with the kids and focusing on school and I am working (almost) full time. During his intensives I went to the school with him so I could see everyone and they could see Freija and I left feeling...weird. I felt like an outsider. I went home and cried. I texted my friend and asked, "do you ever feel like an outsider?" (she is a pastors wife), and in true counseling form she responded, "why do you think you feel that way?" I thought about it, worked it out in my mind and came to the conclusion that I am jealous. There are some women in Norm's Seminary mentoring group that are getting their MDiv and will be ordained as pastors. They are in school furthering their education, following their calling and dreams and I'm not. It was so enlightening to come to this realization and so shocking that these feelings could be under the surface for so long and I had no clue. I had been worried that part of becoming a pastors wife would mean remaining on the sidelines, being ignored, an outsider. I had always envisioned doing ministry together as a team and while Norm furthered his education I became more and more worried that I would be left out of it all together. That night we talked about it and there was great healing. He encouraged me to go back to school if I wanted to (when he's done of course), reminded me that those women are older than me with older kids and it's easier for them at the stage of life they are in. He also reminded me that of course we will be a team in ministry and I will have the freedom to be as involved or not involved as I want to be. Essentially what came out of this realization was that I have a great passion for women and a desire to uplift and encourage them wherever they are in life. I don't know what this will look like but I look forward to what God will reveal to me.
Mothers can work outside the home, mothers can work inside the home caring for their children and home, mothers can have side jobs they do at home...each one is as valuable and essential as the next, each one is doing what they need to do in the season they are in. Things change with the seasons, we might not be doing what we want to do but what we must in one, we might be following our dreams in the next. Us mothers need to respect, uplift and encourage one another whether or not we have a vocation in common, whether or not we get paid for our work because whatever we are doing, we are doing because we love our families dearly but we are also raising the next generation. We are modeling for them that it is okay to follow your dreams and goals, whatever that might look like and whenever it might take place. For some it might happen the moment you graduate college, for others (like me) you might not realize what you want to do for 10 years following graduation...either way, IT'S OK.
Fellow mothers hear this: you are beautiful and radiant, you are an example to me but more importantly an inspiration to your children. What you are doing is valued and important. You are not just anything. You are a child of God, you are exceptional, you are needed and wanted, you are treasured.
For some being a mother is the dream, for others a career is the dream and being a mother happens along the way. For myself I have come to realize that I am both and it has taken many years to figure it out. As a young woman I knew I wanted to have kids and I didn't have big career dreams for myself. I went to a Christian college as a youth ministry major (which changed a few times), with the underlying goal of marrying a youth pastor so we could be in ministry together. I graduated college with no idea of what kind of job I should look for (and pregnant with our first). Ideally I would be at home with our kids and my husband would work; except that my husband was still in school getting his masters. So we both worked, ships passing in the night, for many years to come. Coffee shops, church jobs, preschool, grocery store, physical therapy clinic. We did what we had to do. There were times when it was cheaper for me to stay at home than to pay for daycare so we did that. Other times when Norm would work full time and I would work part time, we just never saw each other. We are now in a season where he is at home with the kids and focusing on school and I am working (almost) full time. During his intensives I went to the school with him so I could see everyone and they could see Freija and I left feeling...weird. I felt like an outsider. I went home and cried. I texted my friend and asked, "do you ever feel like an outsider?" (she is a pastors wife), and in true counseling form she responded, "why do you think you feel that way?" I thought about it, worked it out in my mind and came to the conclusion that I am jealous. There are some women in Norm's Seminary mentoring group that are getting their MDiv and will be ordained as pastors. They are in school furthering their education, following their calling and dreams and I'm not. It was so enlightening to come to this realization and so shocking that these feelings could be under the surface for so long and I had no clue. I had been worried that part of becoming a pastors wife would mean remaining on the sidelines, being ignored, an outsider. I had always envisioned doing ministry together as a team and while Norm furthered his education I became more and more worried that I would be left out of it all together. That night we talked about it and there was great healing. He encouraged me to go back to school if I wanted to (when he's done of course), reminded me that those women are older than me with older kids and it's easier for them at the stage of life they are in. He also reminded me that of course we will be a team in ministry and I will have the freedom to be as involved or not involved as I want to be. Essentially what came out of this realization was that I have a great passion for women and a desire to uplift and encourage them wherever they are in life. I don't know what this will look like but I look forward to what God will reveal to me.
Mothers can work outside the home, mothers can work inside the home caring for their children and home, mothers can have side jobs they do at home...each one is as valuable and essential as the next, each one is doing what they need to do in the season they are in. Things change with the seasons, we might not be doing what we want to do but what we must in one, we might be following our dreams in the next. Us mothers need to respect, uplift and encourage one another whether or not we have a vocation in common, whether or not we get paid for our work because whatever we are doing, we are doing because we love our families dearly but we are also raising the next generation. We are modeling for them that it is okay to follow your dreams and goals, whatever that might look like and whenever it might take place. For some it might happen the moment you graduate college, for others (like me) you might not realize what you want to do for 10 years following graduation...either way, IT'S OK.
Fellow mothers hear this: you are beautiful and radiant, you are an example to me but more importantly an inspiration to your children. What you are doing is valued and important. You are not just anything. You are a child of God, you are exceptional, you are needed and wanted, you are treasured.
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