Adventures In Home School...good days...and really, really bad days...

We have good days and bad days since we started doing home school.  Some days Kieren is in his room reading a book enthusiastically and I'm listening in feeling so proud of his improvement.  Some days he transitions from "break" time into lesson time pretty smoothly and totally nails his spelling words or math problems and has fun.  Other days are bad and he puts up a fight when it's time to do a lesson or read a book...and then there are the really, REALLY, epic bad days like today.  Today when it was time to start he screamed at me about how he "hates school" and I am "the worst mom in the universe" (because I told him calmly that his disrespectful attitude would have to stay up on his bed with him and was not allowed in the rest of the house).  When he came out I asked, "can I have a hug?" and his response was, "No, no hugs for you".  I tried to talk with him again and again and finally we were able to have a civil conversation when he flat out said, "you're a bad teacher".  At that point I put my head on the table and just cried.  After a while we talked again and I said, "okay I understand you think I'm a bad teacher so how can I be better?" and he had a hard time with that one.  I explained to him the difference between how school was and how it is now, how he gets many more breaks to play, he gets a longer lunch time and he gets to move at his own pace, as in we don't move on until he get's it, there isn't pressure to move forward because the rest of the class is moving forward.  I explained that although he wants to just "play all day" there are things we need to do and the longer he puts up a fight, the longer it will take to complete a lesson and he will have less time to "play".  So we decided together that the solution was to create a new schedule.  I wrote out all of our areas of study and the days of the week.  He decided what time we will start and when he will do each subject, when his breaks will be and for how long (within reason).  He wanted to add in Music on a few days (which will be by the seat of my pants until we can afford lessons).  We both signed this schedule and I explained to him that this is our contract, he has to honor it.  I told him that if he puts up a fight or speaks rudely to me when it's time to study, I have the right to adjust the schedule and when the "break time" timer goes off he needs to transition to the next lesson.  He happily agreed and we shook hands.

Today was exhausting.  I am still getting over a cold, my head is spacey and my brain not fully functioning  I was going going going non stop from 6:30 am, trying to teach and getting nothing but a fight.  I was hurt by his words and at times felt helpless and hopeless.  I was trying to wash dishes, do 500 loads of laundry, play with Zoe, hold Freija and attempt to feed myself.  I don't say all these things to complain or make you feel bad, I say them to help you know that if you are struggling to get through each day and running on fumes...you are not alone.  I love my life and I love my children but like I said, there are good days and really, really bad days.  It helps to know we're not alone, it helps to vent to our friends over coffee or wine, it helps to apologize to our children and show them that we are human too and make mistakes.  For a moment there I wondered if I should let him see me cry, let him see that weakness and the fact that he really hurt me and then I realize, YES...he needs to see that and learn that just because we grow into adults we can still be hurt, show our emotions and share our feelings.  At this point in his life he is really struggling with how to express and control anger.  When he hurts our feelings he feels horrible and wants to be punished...he feels very deeply, like me.  We are learning about ourselves and each other on this journey and I am being humbled each and every day.  Hoping for a good day tomorrow but if not...I know we will make it through.