Parenting shows us who we really are...

                Parenting is absolutely one of the hardest jobs, in my opinion at least.  Thing is, it’s not really a “job”…it’s more of a lifestyle choice.  I know that sounds weird but I can’t think of another way to describe it right now.  When you become a parent, it is your life.  There is no “off” time, no “vacation” time because even when you’re away from your kids physically, you still worry about them/think about them/miss them etc. etc.  Whenever I write a blog it’s because I was inspired in some way, this time unfortunately my “inspiration” was not a good one, more of a disappointment actually.  I have found that one major thing parenting does is shine a light, through a microscope on who I really am.  Sometimes it magnifies parts of me that are awesome, other times…not so much.  Today is the latter.

                I yell at my kids WAY TOO FREAKING MUCH.  There it is people, the raw, gritty, uncomfortable truth.  I hate this about myself and while I have been “working on it” for a while now, today it hit me that this just needs to stop.  After a day like today, I see the screen saver on my phone (Zoe about 2 years ago and cute as ever) and just want to cry.  I’m like, how could I ever yell at that sweet, innocent face?  Kieren has such a sweet heart and is sensitive like me, but at times he just explodes and I’ll be thinking, “wow where did that come from?”  Well…………yeaaaaahhhhhhh.  When I yell at my kids and mostly for stupid things like toys on the floor that haven’t been picked up after I asked 5 times, or the water bottle fell and exploded water everywhere; I look back at myself and think, wow what the hell is wrong with you?  It makes me feel like a horrible mother.  I’m not just having a pity party here, I feel like if I write this and acknowledge it, I can change. 

                When I worked at the grocery store, one day this lady snapped at me.  Admittedly I had had a very long day when that happened, but it made me cry.  So, how do my kids who are only 3 and 6 feel when I yell at them?  The last thing I want is for them to be scared of me or have issues with confrontation or communication.  I want them to trust me, talk to me…but how can I expect that unless I change NOW?  I am a neat freak and when you have kids that’s just not good.  I need to CHILL OUT and stop “sweating” the small stuff.  I need to give myself a time out, splash cold water on my face, do 10 jumping jacks…whatever it takes to cool off.  I’m trying to teach Zoe to stop screaming all the time?  After typing that sentence I just want to laugh at myself.  I’m trying to help them learn how to control their emotions?  LMAO.  I am the worst offender.


                Lord, help me.  Seriously.  Help me to have patience…like supernatural patience and grace.  Help me to get in touch with my inner “kid” and lighten up.

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