A Lifelong Struggle

I have always had a difficult and distant relationship with my father.  I won't go into it now, but over the last few months we have gone from talking about once a month to not at all.  I have written and emailed and he does not respond.  It's been very painful and confusing for me that my own father doesn't want to speak to me.  As a parent myself I have often wondered, how is that possible?  How do you just cut off your children and not communicate at all?  It will always be a mystery to me.  My reason for writing this however is not to get into all that, but to share a recent revelation.  Rather than focusing on what I am lacking in my life, I need to focus on what I HAVE.  I have an awesome mom, with whom I have a very good and healthy relationship.  It makes me so happy when I see the excitement in my kids when they get to see "Ahmo".  I have an amazing husband who loves me and our kids.  He is caring, patient, and I still enjoy hanging out with him every minute I get (especially watching Lost, which we've recently become addicted to).  I have two beautiful, healthy, smart children who I love with all my heart; even though they drive me absolutely bonkers pretty much everyday.
Don't get me wrong.  This difficulty with my dad will always be there.  I will continue to think about him everyday and wonder how he's doing and why he won't speak to me.  I will cry at random moments because I see how amazing Norm is with our kids, or even strangers I see showering their daughters with love and attention.  The Google chat commercial of the college girl talking to her dad will always make me cry.  But I've realized that I need to keep trying to let it go and remember how much I do have, even though at times I feel like I'm lacking so much.
I am thankful for surrogate father's, like my uncle Mo, who I know will always "be there" for me if I need advice or just to talk.  I'm grateful for our friend Carlo, who loves and treats me like I'm his own daughter.  Even though he's back in California, I know we can always talk on Skype.
When hard things like this happen in life, they don't make sense.  Sometimes I get mad at God and wonder why or how this can happen?  But He is helping me work through it; and for that I am thankful.

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